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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

New Report Shows Democrats Responsible for 9/11

“If they had just held us accountable, 9/11 could have been prevented.”

A just-released report by a special Presidential commission shows that Democrats are actually to blame for the security failures of 9/11.

“Immediately after the 2000 election, the Democrat party had a chance to hold us accountable and keep us focused on Homeland Security. Instead, they spent all their time opposing lifesaving tax cuts, contesting crucial reductions in unnecessary government spending like police, roads, and schools, and obstructing the appointment of federal judges who will interpret the Constitution the right way,” said a clearly upset Dennis Hastert, speaker of the House.

The report unmistakably shows that top Democrat party leaders like Tom Daschle were too busy obstructing the Democratic process and challenging the President’s clear electoral mandate for reform to put pressure on the administration to follow Clinton operatives’ advice about Al Qaeda and other terrorist threats. For example, while Condoleeza Rice was busy, working hard to define intelligence reports as “historic,” and our President was engaged in the tough, thankless task of clearing brush in the underserved town of Crawford, Texas, Daschle and uber-liberal Ted Kennedy, whose car has killed more people than my gun, were busy finding ways to both take credit for tax reform and derail it whenever possible. Upcoming Presidential candidate and war criminal John Kerry was engrossed in nearly yogic flip-flopping contortions over defense spending and gay marriage, and voting to award Congressional Medals of Honor to convicted child molesters, while his co-conspirator John Edwards was suing hardworking, job-providing companies like Wal-Mart and skimming off pork to buy the votes of the God-fearing Republican voters of North Carolina.

Hastert continued, “Had the Democrats done their job of keeping us in line and on the ball, we would have paid attention to the—duh—obvious threat coming our way. But they were so busy with their radical liberal homosexual loving agenda that they couldn’t be bothered to make sure WE were doing our jobs. That’s what accountability and individual responsibility is all about, by gum! I mean, oh my God, look at the deficit! If they had been watching us, we would have had to at least look fiscally conservative. But they were too busy with their own America-hating Clintonesque agenda to keep us from running this country into a financial, moral, and security ditch like a drunken frat boy.”

A published version of the report, titled, “Why Democrats Are to Blame for Everything Including the Fall From Grace in Eden,” will be available to the public within days. It will be $120.00 for the general public, or free with a donation to the Republican Party.

On the non-bipartisan panel are Tom DeLay, Dennis Hastert, Newt Gingrich, Jerry Falwell, Scooter Libby, Elizabeth Dole, and Ken Lay.

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